This week, I am not going to try to tell you how to live your lives or attempt to show you how great mine is. This week I feel I am called to just be real. So, with that being said and before you begin to read, please have grace and know that this is raw and straight from my heart. I hope you enjoy it.
I look at all the pages, waiting for me to fill them. Knowing good and well, that it won’t take me very long to go all the way through them.
I have a lot to say: helpful? good? bad? You be my critic. Just please remember, I’m not perfect and if you can’t, then just forget it.
Once upon a time in Kerrigan Land, there was a small girl who grabbed on to the Savior’s hand. That small girl is not so small now, quite big in fact. She has let go of his hand and she thinks she is ready to get it back.
That girl is me, and this is my story. Not my whole story, really just my struggles of today. Read it to the end, share it if you want. But this is my story so push all other thoughts out of the way.
- My relationship with God is dead. He is not dead and I am not dead, but together there is no heartbeat. It seems all of the steps to knowing him are expectations that I can’t quite meet.
Pastors say read your Bible, latch on and focus, that’s how you do it! But with Pinterest, my phone, good movies and family as distractions, there is no way that I can do it. I am too busy, too important and just not interested enough. These excuses they follow me every single day, and I keep thinking, when will enough be enough? It’s quite humorous that I think that I am too important for the man who was crucified for me. He had nails in his hands. Nails in his feet. A crown of thorns on his head. And I’m too important. Oh Please. I say, “This time i’ll change, i’ll really do it”. Only to fill the void that I have in this heart of mine. But I never stick with it, I’ve gone no longer than three days, then I say, “forget it and all will be fine”.
- My Purity is threatened. Oh boys. I feel I’m biologically programmed to sniff them out. Like a dog, I wander curiously over to them, wanting to see what they’re all about.
But like poison, you touch them and you’re a goner. You’ve been a virgin this long, but can you take it even longer? The Bible says that sex is a sin out of wedlock, but I sin everyday just one more time is alright. The whole freaking world does it, it’s even on my tv. I’ve held out for this long, at this point I feel I have the right. The right to feel loved. I’m tired of being lonely. And I am done third wheeling. Put the bait on your hook and dangle it good, once you feel the pull, you better start reeling. Fishing is what it is. Not for actual fish, but for compliments, flirting, hand-holding and whatever else the guy permits. Instant gratification is what I want. I want it here and now, don’t you dare make me wait. I want him young and tan with a good job and roughly 6’8. I’ll give it up just once. I’ll look weird if I don’t anyways. I feel I’m missing out on so much.
- My Insecurities have a hold of me. Man, do they have a good hold on me. My confidence disappeared roughly around the time that I was born. I’ve carried around battle scars, pidgeon-toed feet and whether the big one is my height or my fatty stomach, they have me torn.
I have chosen the quiet life meaning I tend not to speak, but when I do, it comes out blonder than can be. Although I don’t like the stereotype, my hair and I have created quite a bond. Now my love handles. My tummy. My thighs. I feel bad for you girls who know what it’s like to buy new jeans every six weeks because we don’t know any thing about that no thigh gap-life. 136 lbs. Google considers my over-weight. Nineteen and aging and I’m already over-weight?
So, there are my confessions, my very top three. If you want more, just ask, there are more where that came from, believe me.
However, let me add a little more to end this on a good note instead.
My number one is intimacy with God. I know it. I’m attempting to read the Word daily and to get to know him again. My goal is to be that small girl in Kerrigan Land, once again; who holds His hand and follows Him closely, heeds His instruction and is finished being lonely.
Dear Lord, please forgive me for all that I’ve said and done. Please take me back into your arms, so that you and I can become one.
30 minutes total: 10 reading the scripture. 10 writing about it. 10 being quiet with you. I’m ready to take this new step. I will read your word, praise you like crazy, pray daily and become brand new, in you.
My number two is my purity. The word virginity takes the special feel out and of what it is, it’s my heart and my body, saved, set aside for a special bond with my husband that I don’t want to miss.
So Lord, I will remain pure, for you. For me. And for the man you’re saving me for.
Plus, I don’t need all of those boys and guys because once I am whole in YOU, all these severed ties will bind. I won’t be lonely anymore, sad or even displaced. I will be a child of God, whole, firm, loved, adored and I will most certainly know my place.
My number three is my insecurity, which seems to have a tight grip on me. But I know this life comes with trials and tribulations. Insecurity is just one card that was dealt to me.
Lord, as I read your word, and become your daughter once more, I will break those chains and walk away freely.
In the Bible, you tell me of all the wonderful things that I am. That I am unique, beautiful, yours, a princess even. I will begin to walk in those, shedding away my old self, and in you, I shall be free again.
So, in conclusion: Yes my relationship with God needs a little TLC. And yes, I’m tempted often to give up my purity. And yes, I allow myself and the world to tell me who I am. But Lord, I stand here before you today, to tell you, that as I grow, read, pray and walk in you, I will become a new woman.
Family or friends, if you are close to me, please keep me accountable. I am a child of God, and *that* I should never forget.